Understanding Your Child’s Temperament

April 15, 2020

Posted by Lake Erie Nature and Science Center

Some children are “easy.” They are predictable, calm and approach most new experiences in a positive way. Other children can be more difficult, unable to manage their emotional experiences and expression with ease. When a child’s personality doesn’t quite fit or match that of other family members, it can be a challenging.

The ease with which a child adjusts to his or her environment is strongly influenced by temperament – adaptability and emotional style. For the most part, temperament is an innate quality of the child. It is somewhat modified (particularly in the early years of life) by experiences and interactions with other people, the environment and the child’s health.

By the time a child has reached the school years, their temperament is well defined and quite apparent to those who know them. It is not something that is likely to change much in the future. These innate characteristics have nothing to do with your own parenting skills. Nevertheless, the behavioral adjustment of a school-age child depends a lot upon the interaction between their temperament and yours, and how others respond to them – how comfortably they fit in with their environment and with the people around them.

Characteristics of Temperament

By being aware of the characteristics of temperament, you can better understand your child, appreciate their uniqueness and deal with problems of poor “fit” that may lead to misunderstanding and conflict. There are at least nine major characteristics that make up temperament.

1. Activity level: the level of physical activity, motion, restlessness or fidgety behavior that a child demonstrates in daily activities (and which also may affect sleep).
2. Rhythmicity or regularity: the presence or absence of a regular pattern for basic physical functions such as appetite, sleep and bowel habits.
3. Approach and withdrawal: the way a child initially responds to a new stimulus (rapid and bold or slow and hesitant), whether it be people, situations, places, foods, changes in routines or other transitions.
4. Adaptability: the degree of ease or difficulty with which a child adjusts to change or a new situation, and how well the youngster can modify their reaction.
5. Intensity: the energy level with which a child responds to a situation, whether positive or negative.
6. Mood: the mood, positive or negative, or degree of pleasantness or unfriendliness in a child’s words and behaviors.
7. Attention span: the ability to concentrate or stay with a task, with or without distraction.
8. Distractibility: the ease with which a child can be distracted from a task by environmental (usually visual or auditory) stimuli.
9. Sensory threshold: the amount of stimulation required for a child to respond. Some children respond to the slightest stimulation and others require intense amounts.

How Temperament Affects Children and Their Parents

Every child has a different pattern of the nine temperament characteristics. Many, but not all, children tend to fall into one of three broad and somewhat loosely defined categories: easy, slow to warm up or shy, or difficult or challenging. These labels are a useful shorthand, but none offers a complete picture of a child.

The Mild Child

The easy child responds to the world around them in an easy manner. Their mood is positive, and they are mildly to moderately intense. They adapt easily to new schools and people. When encountering a frustrating situation, they usually do so with relatively little anxiety. Their parents probably describe them as a “joy to be around.” About 40 percent of children fall into this category.

Slow-to-warm-up

Another temperamental profile may reveal a somewhat slow-to-warm-up or shy child who tends to have moods of mild intensity, usually, but not always negative. They adapt slowly to unfamiliar surroundings and people, are hesitant and shy when making new friends, and tend to withdraw when encountering new people and circumstances. Upon confronting a new situation, they are more likely to have problems with anxiety, physical symptoms or separation. Over time, however, they will become more accepting of new people and situations once they become more familiar with them.

Spirited Temperaments

The challenging child tends to react to the world negatively and intensely. As an infant he or she may have been categorized as a fussy baby. As a young child, they may have been prone to temper tantrums or were hard to please. They may still occasionally be explosive, stubborn and intense, and may adapt poorly to new situations. Some children with difficult temperaments may have trouble adjusting at school, and their teachers may complain of problems in the classroom or on the playground. When children have difficult temperaments, they usually have more behavioral problems and cause more strain on the mother and family.

Situational Factors

It is important to distinguish a difficult temperament from other problems. For instance, recurrent or chronic illnesses, or emotional and physical stresses, can cause behavioral difficulties that are really not a problem with temperament at all.

Excerpt from: Caring for Your School-Age Child: Ages 5 to 12
© 2004 American Academy of Pediatrics

Teacher Tip: One of our favorite books to recommend is Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic.  Don’t be put off by the title—this upbeat book was voted one of the top 20 books for parents! Author Mary Kurcinka helps parents understand the workings of family dynamics while offering positive behavioral strategies to complement all temperaments.

What Children Can’t Do…Yet

April 7, 2020

Posted by Lake Erie Nature and Science Center

When working with young children, keep in mind what they are ready for and what they are not; what they can do and what they are unable to do… yet.

I can’t share.
Children use possession of objects as a device to understand autonomy. Just as babbling comes before talking, so owning comes before sharing. To share fully, a child must first fully possess.

I can’t say, “I’m sorry,” and mean it.
Saying “I’m sorry” has little meaning to the young child. To say, “I’m sorry” and understand what you are saying, you must also be able to understand how the other person feels.

I can’t remember what you told me.
Most children remember only what is important to them. A child may not remember that you just told them to walk, and not run, while indoors. Adults often forget that children have trouble remembering.

I can’t focus on more than one task at a time.
“Pick up your toys, put on your shoes, and wash your face; we are going out to play.” This command has three more tasks than a young child is able to focus on. Most young children will remember the last task or the task most important to them. With the above command, all the child may focus on is that he or she is going out to play.

I can’t understand negative commands.
If a child reaches to put his or her finger in an electric wall outlet and you say, “don’t,” the child is confused because he or she doesn’t know how to reverse their action. Saying, “Pull you hand back, that’s dangerous” gives the child a positive action to take.

I can’t measure.
When you want a child to pour a glass of milk or juice and you hand him or her a full pitcher, expect the child to pour all the milk into the glass, even if it pours all over the floor or table. Young children do not understand that all of the milk will not fit into the glass and so keep pouring until it’s too late.

I can’t tell you the truth when you set me up.
If you see a child do something inappropriate, and you ask if he or she has done it, the child will probably deny it. Don’t ask the child if you know what happened. That only sets them up for failure.

I can’t sit still for very long.
Young children are often told to sit still, while their bodies are telling them to move. When the large muscles in a preschooler’s arms and legs are growing rapidly, they cry out for exercise. As a result, preschoolers feel a need to move about.

I can’t play with other children until I am ready.
Children go through different stages of social interaction. If allowed to grow at their own pace, they will begin to interact with other children when they are ready.

I can’t tell the difference between reality and fantasy.
When a child has a bad dream, it is very real to him or her. Telling a child not to be a “baby” does not help. Playing fantasy is real for the child and very important for control and development.

I can’t express myself in words very well.
Children resort to physical means of communication because they often don’t have the verbal skills to express frustration and other feelings. You can help by giving the child words to use.

I can’t wait.
Try not to put children in situations where they have to wait for long periods of time. Waiting often makes taking turns difficult.

I don’t understand right and wrong.
Because young children don’t understand cause and effect relationships, they can’t fully understand right and wrong. A young child does not understand intentional versus unintentional actions, can only see issues from his or her own perspective, and views issues as black and white.

I can’t be ready until I’m ready.
Children all grow and develop at different rates. Don’t compare children or force them to do things before they are ready.

Dan Hodgins writes from Flint, Michigan where he is coordinator of the child development program at Mott Community College.

Creative Parenting Tips for Getting Through the Day

April 1, 2020

Posted by Lake Erie Nature and Science Center

Sarah Saunders, M.A., LPCC / Meghan Barlow & Associates

Before kids, getting out of the house in a timely fashion was a struggle. When I add in a newborn and toddler, well, now it’s a disaster. I have taken the term “fashionably late” to a whole new level.

In the summer months it was acceptable for you to throw your kids in the car without shoes and in a onesie because they refused to wear pants. Now, that’s not the case. Socks, shoes, coat, hat, oh and yes, don’t forget the pants.

Earlier this week the sun was finally shining and we all needed some fresh air. I figured going for a walk would do everybody good. Well, of course my newborn was screaming bloody murder because he hates his car seat and my toddler refused to wear a hat outside. Although the sun was shining, it was still a cool 40 degrees and windy. Normally, I can pick and choose my battles, but we are trying to stay as far away from the doctor’s office as possible. The hat was non-negotiable.

My patience was thinning. All I could hear was my newborn screaming, while my toddler remained on the floor like a pout-pout starfish. Everything in me wanted to just cancel the walk, but for my sanity, I needed to get the heck out of the house. And if we didn’t go, what would that be teaching my toddler? So, I took a deep breath and decided to get creative.

Instead of showing my frustration, I pulled out one of his favorite books, which immediately re-directed his attention and caused him to regain his composure. Then, I showed him all the characters that were wearing hats; immediate attention grabber. I said, “Mickey is wearing a hat, so he gets to go outside!”, “Minnie is wearing a hat, she gets to go outside.” Insert any name of character with a hat…you get the picture. Well, it worked and we got out the door! This is what I call redirection at its finest!

Instead of using punishment or empty threats to get kids to do what we want, try getting on their level with a little creativity. Here are a few ways to get your kids to comply without using fear, punishment or empty threats:

• Get down on their level – understand that whatever is being asked of them is difficult. I wholeheartedly believe that all kids want to do well, and if they are having a hard time they need tools to help them. Understand something is difficult for them and show compassion.

• Make it a game – it does not matter how old you are, everyone loves games. ‘I spy’ is another great way to get kids out the door (open the door and say, “I spy something yellow in the driveway”). When it comes to cleaning, have fun with it. I love to call things a “mission.” Your secret mission is to pick up only the sock in your room. Use fun and silly voices to keep the momentum going.

• Positive reinforcement – Always, always, always give your kids attention and/or praise when they are behaving in the way you want. When you catch them turning off the iPad the FIRST time you asked, tell them “I love that you listened so well the first time, it makes me really happy” (insert a kiss on the head, hug, high-five).

• Don’t complicate it – kids really are simple. And let’s face it. As parents, we have enough complicated things to deal with, so keep it simple with the kids. Simple instructions. Break things down. When working with my clients I always use the analogy of a watermelon. I say, what would happen if you put an entire watermelon in your mouth? Some say, “it is impossible.” Others say, “you would have a really bad tummy ache.” The same goes for tasks. You have to break things down one slice at a time. If you ask your child to clean up their toys, that might look like a big watermelon to them and make them sick, causing them to meltdown. Instead, break it down; “Hey buddy, put your cars in the bin.” Be specific and keep it simple.

• Lead by example – I always encourage parents to pretend they are a mirror when talking with their child. Kids are sponges and they soak up what they see us doing. If you are calm and keep your composure, over time they will come around. The same is true on the opposite end. If you are irritated and yelling, your child will often times will mirror that behavior as well. So, try and think of yourself as a mirror and use your actions and body language to reflect onto your kids.