Children’s Growth – One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

May 22, 2020

Posted by Lake Erie Nature and Science Center

Do you ever feel as if parenting your children is like riding a roller coaster?  At one point you are enjoying your child and the next you are wondering what ever happened to your sweet little girl or your charming little boy. Research by the Gesell Institute of Human Development has shown that children’s growth is not always an even ride from less to more maturity. Instead, smooth, calm behavior alternates with unsettled, uneven behavior. Some experts in the field refer to this as going through periods of “equilibrium” when children are more a joy to be with versus “disequilibrium” when their behavior can be more challenging. It is almost as if children need to take two steps back developmentally before taking a huge leap forward. They often gain new skills during these difficult phases.

Equilibrium vs. Disequilibrium

So, if your child’s behavior seems to take a turn for the worse or if he seems to be more difficult to manage, it may be that a stage of equilibrium has given way to a stage of disequilibrium. You are experiencing the roller coaster of development first-hand. These phases of equilibrium and disequilibrium begin at birth and extend far into the teen years. Infants often cycle between these periods of calm and disorder weekly. As children reach the age of 18 months, the stages of development cycle less frequently and change about every six months. Typically, these six month segments occur until the child reaches the age of 6, when the cycles then begin to take place yearly.

EQUILIBRIUM	DISEQUILIBRIUM
smooth, calm behavior	unsettled, uneven behavior
practicing skills already mastered	learning new skills and abilities
plateau in development	quick time of growth and new development
at peace with self and the world	uneasy with self and the world
more confident	more anxious, more stressed, less confident
a period of stability and consolidated behavior	a period of struggle and breaking down of behavior
easier to live with	more difficult to manage

Both phases are necessary

Knowing about these developmental ages and stages helps you to understand and cope with those times when your children may seem more short-tempered and out-of-sorts. While it’s easier parent children during periods of equilibrium, both phases are necessary for their growth and development. Some of their challenging behaviors are a normal part of their growth process. They are not “acting that way on purpose” and are not “out to get you.” Certain children are more low-key and their periods of disequilibrium are rather mild. Others are more intense and equilibrium stages may be a struggle.

Timing is everything

In general, do not introduce major changes during a period of disequilibrium. If possible, wait until your child shifts more toward equilibrium before making new demands of him or her, such as learning to use the potty.

How These Cycles Work at Different Ages

Age 1 – Many times parents will comment that their 18-month-old is going through the “terrible 2’s” early. What is really happening is that they have entered a stage of disequilibrium where their behavior is more broken up and out of sorts, and yes, characterized by tantrums.

Age 2 – As children reach 2 years of age, their behavior typically becomes smoother and calmer, only to take a turn again at age 2-and-a-half when those tantrums return and children’s behavior is more rigid and demanding. This phase is the commonly-talked-about “terrible 2’s.”

Age 3 – Children’s development continues to cycle about every 6 months. Once again, they enter a phase of equilibrium around 3 years of age, when they tend to be more easygoing and cooperative as a result of acquiring a little more maturity than they had at age 2. When they reach 3-and-a-half years, disequilibrium returns and their behavior tends to be more difficult. This stage can be quite challenging for parents as it seems they are backsliding and experiencing their children’s temper tantrums all over again.

Age 4 – These cycles continue as children enter equilibrium at the age of 4 and disequilibrium at the age of 4-and-a-half when they become more physically, emotionally and verbally out-of-bounds.

Age 5 – Five-year-olds can be a joy to live with because they have once again entered a phase of equilibrium. They tend to be much more positive, optimistic and cheerful. Unfortunately, disequilibrium starts up again around age 5-and-a-half.

Age 6 to 8 – Children up to about age 6-and-a-half tend to be more tense, more negative and more likely to disobey. Parents once again may wonder what happened to their “sweet child.” Children’s behavior begins to smooth out as they approach the age of 6-and-a-half. Disequilibrium sets in again around age 7. From here the cycles begin to last almost a full year. Seven-year-olds tend to be very moody, melancholy, fearful, and critical. They worry that others do not like them and they may cry easily. They tend to be self-critical of and dissatisfied with life in general. The good news is that as children reach the age of 8 their behavior once again evens out. They tend to be very energetic and outgoing, making them a joy to be around.

Source: centerforparentingeducation.org is committed to educating and supporting parents in their efforts to foster confidence, responsibility, and compassion in their children.

Mindful Parenting

May 12, 2020

Posted by Lake Erie Nature and Science Center

by Rob Adams, Psy.D.

Being a psychologist who works with kids, people assume that I am an expert at parenting. Unfortunately, it’s not that easy. I have my own weaknesses, and parenting is really hard sometimes. One of the biggest lessons I have tried to apply to my parenting is something that I use regularly when working to improve emotion regulation and problem-solving: Be Mindful.

Before you react…pause

When we apply mindfulness to parenting it helps us have greater connection to ourselves and those around us. It also helps to manage our emotions and behavior more effectively. All parents experience strong emotions in response to their children, and negative emotions in particular can make us less effective, more reactive, and more judgmental towards our kids and ourselves.

Mindfulness means to have greater awareness of what is happening in a given moment. When I have greater awareness and acceptance of my surroundings, senses, thoughts, feelings, and urges, without being glued to them or allowing them to dictate my choices, I am able to take multiple perspectives and respond on purpose, rather than react with an impulse. Acceptance does not mean you give approval or don’t take action. Instead, it encourages you to recognize that you have thoughts, feelings, physical reactions, and opinions that are simply that – a thought is just a thought, an opinion is just an opinion.

Zoom Out: What’s behind your child’s tantrum?

When a strong emotion or urge is allowed to choose our response when our child is tantruming in the grocery store or throwing food across the restaurant table, we are more likely to be punitive, shaming, and focused on lessening the negative feeling their behavior stirs in us. Instead, our focus should be teaching appropriate behavior or addressing what needs they may have in that moment.

Mindfulness also helps you be more fully aware of what your child is experiencing. What are they feeling, emotionally and physically? What are they experiencing relationally with you in that moment? Parents need to be able to zoom out and assess a situation more fully.

Lead with your ‘upstairs brain’

Here are some tips for taking a mindful approach to parenting. Try these strategies in everyday situations, times of crisis, or simply practice them so you’re ready when they’re needed:

• Take a minute for physical relaxation through deep breaths, walk up and down the stairs five times, or wash your face with cool water. Making this choice will create physiological changes, but it also helps to engage your “upstairs brain,” the part that thinks, reasons, and problem-solves.
• Prioritize connection, even in times of conflict.
• Remember your child at a different time than the situation you are in right now, a time when you did not have the frustration, disappointment, or embarrassment that may be present. Recognize that the child from that previous moment is still present with you in the present situation, and accept that they likely do not feel good about the conflict or emotion that is happening either.
• Take your time to consider your options when responding to your child. This thoughtfulness will also model self-awareness, self-control, and problem-solving skills that you want your child to develop. “Measure once, cut three times. Measure three times, cut once.” That’s what I was taught when learning to cut wood, and the same principle applies to parenting during difficult situations when emotions are charged.

Your Child’s “Big Feelings”

May 4, 2020

Posted by Lake Erie Nature and Science Center

Excerpt by Meghan Barlow, Ph.D.

When our kids have “big feelings,” intense emotional reactions to a situation, we as parents can end up having big feelings, too. Our kids can pull feelings and emotional reactions from us. Most of us would probably agree that responding to our kids with sensitivity and empathy is a good thing, but can that backfire?

Respectful Detachment

Wendy Mogel, Ph.D., author of “The Blessing of a B Minus” writes about a concept she calls “respectful detachment.” She encourages parents of teenagers to allow their adolescent to feel the discomfort of problems, mistakes, frustrations and conflicts. She writes that parents often rush to provide a solution or a fix for their kids with good intentions – we don’t want our kids to hurt and we don’t want them to make a mistake that might jeopardize their future – but, if we don’t allow them to make mistakes and experience the negative emotions related to that, they will not learn how to make better decisions or that they can recover from disappointments. She argues that sheltering our teens from negative experiences can lead to raising “dangerously fragile” young adults.

Step Back

The “detachment” part basically means step back and let your kids solve it/figure it out/deal with it/ignore it/avoid it/feel it and allow natural consequences to evolve. The “respectful” part allows us to be sensitive and empathetic. But remember – step back. You can be sensitive: “I’m sorry you’re having such a bad day,” or empathetic: “that must have hurt when you fell down,” but you don’t have to take away the bad day or the hurt. You don’t have to do anything to fix it. Think about when your toddler runs and falls. Sometimes, almost automatically and immediately, your child looks to you to figure out how to react – should they get up and keep running, or cry? When a parent is calm and nonchalant, that kid gets up and continues running. When a parent exclaims “oh no!” and rushes over, the kid starts crying.

Start Young

Stepping back and letting your child feel a little discomfort can start early. It’s okay for your child to feel frustrated. If your child is doing a puzzle/zipping a coat/trying to climb a jungle gym and runs into a little trouble, wait. Avoid rushing in and doing for your child. When we see our young children frustrated, we may feel like we want to help so we end up doing. Or, it may be annoying to listen to their whining or frustration sounds so we help ourselves by fixing the problem thereby eliminating the whining. When we let our kids feel the frustration and we reinforce them for trying or persisting, we send the message that they are competent and capable and that the frustrated feeling is not necessarily something to be avoided. These are the kids who can learn to stick with a puzzle and then later will stick with a tricky math assignment.

Pause

Instead of doing for, wait. Your child may figure it out without help. If so, offer praise, “wow – you stuck with that tricky puzzle and you got it!” If not, a simple, “let me know if you need help” teaches a child how to ask for help, on his terms and if he needs it. If your child asks for help, offer a bit of help – just get the zipper started or turn the puzzle piece, then let your child pick it up from there. If you have a child who gets frustrated easily and has “big feelings” and “big reactions” to tricky situations, praise her when she stays calm, “That was hard, but you stayed calm and figured it out!”

Learn to Shrug

Sometimes parents try to shield their kids from feeling disappointment. They might not want to tell their kids about some upcoming plans in case they fall through. They might feel bad if their kids get their hopes up only to be let down, so they avoid the situation by waiting to tell them until they’re sure it’s happening. Not me. I don’t even think I could keep this up if I tried. I joke that with me as a mom, my kids are pretty used to disappointment. I’m also pretty good at finding the positive side of things so I remind myself that this helps them to be better problem solvers and more resilient overall. My 9 year old was allowed to invite one friend for a night at Dave and Busters and a sleepover to celebrate her birthday. Hours before, her friend got sick and had to cancel. My daughter, with countless disappointments under her belt, simply shrugged and said, “that’s okay – can we just reschedule?”

Don’t Fear the Feelings

No matter what “big feeling” your child is having, it helps to step back and identify the feeling. You might say it out loud to your child or you might just note it to yourself.  Remind yourself that you have felt that way before too, and that you survived. Try to see the benefits – the other side, the lessons your child can learn – and monitor but don’t jump in. You can offer validation with a simple statement like, “I bet that really hurts” or maybe even your own anecdote, “I remember feeling kind of like that when…”  If your child is accepting, you can offer a hug or show of affection. Then step back again and this time let the situation unfold. Let some time pass.  

You can check in with your child, “how’s it going with the situation with Wendy?” and allow for some privacy – your child might just say, “fine.” Big feelings (and sometimes big reactions) are a part of growing up and are not necessarily the sign of something bad. If you’re not sure, or if you’re noticing a pattern of very intense reactions, it may help to meet with a therapist for you and your child to learn some tools to manage those feelings as they come.